Our reading this week, the chapter called "Love's Ripples," includes the closing lines of a poem entitled "Biography" by the English poet John Masefield.

At some point in my still young life, I learned not to trust without question my emotions.  For example, if I were in a dark mood, I had a tendency to interpret everything in a negative way.  At some sane point, i.e., some point when I wasn't in the clutches of the decidedly negative, I explained to myself that the underlying feeling that gave rise to the negative interpretations was nothing other than neurochemicals.   I would do best not to pay too much attention to their view of things.  After awhile, I told myself, they would dissipate as long as I didn't act on them or encourage them..

I set up a trigger to remind myself, and the next time I noticed myself spiralling into repetitive negativity, I stepped back.  Sure enough, my mind continued along its negative course.  I let it.  Like a balloon full of air sputtering through the air, I didn't give the thoughts any more of my attention.  The feelings persisted, pushing their hoary head into my thoughts for awhile, but each time, I simply ignored the feelings. 

It worked.  For me, the effectiveness of the experiment was the proof.

"Best trust the happy moments."  I've been experimenting with this one, too.   

I saw an anonymous quote this week that says,

This turns out actually to be fun - partly because by definition, it means that the outcome is a surprise. 

In other words, I have to try something before I can really know what it is that I am trying.  For example, I may have heard that it is a good thing to study hard and get good grades, but until I do it, I really don't understand what this means. 

An example more relevant to my own recent experience has to do with my efforts to be consistently on-time.  I may intellectually understand the benefits of this, but until I experience them, I really don't understand how pleasant it is.

In other words, knowing something is a completely different experience than doing something.  The first has all the benefits of intellectual objectivism, and can bring to bear all sorts of disparate subjects.  For example, we can talk about "love" in many of its guises, and dissect it emotionally, socially, biochemically, etc.    We can compare and contrast it, analyze and extol (or reject) it in all manners of ways.

But doing something is additive.  As we do, we move into the idea not only intellectually, but with our bodies.   When our bodies experience the action of an idea, we begin to understand all the intellectual information in more nuanced and powerful ways.  Now the idea has become a part of the hardware of our brain wiring.  We own it, because we are it.  

Not only that, but we come to understand it intellectually in four dimensions.  That is, we know it in three-dimensional space as it unfolds over time.

My thought is that this class is about practicing, that is doing - in small experimental doses - actions of loving kindness.   These actions are the source of the biochemistry that Barbara Fredrickson describes in her book.

The great thing about this class is that our doing and our thinking are the same!   By thinking in focused ways that extend loving kindness to ourselves, our friends, family, pets, or even unknown strangers, we are putting the neurons of our hearts and brains through a set of paces that are better for us than push-ups.

Maybe that's why Mikey said, 

In keeping with the idea of my body as a verb rather than a noun, I'm going to think of "self love" as investing in my own well-being.

What does it mean to "invest in my own well-being"?

I started to post this as a challenge for you all to think about.

Then I started thinking about it myself, because I found myself wanting.

Here is the circular reasoning I came up with.

1. I like to invest in things. 
2. I don't like to invest in losing propositions.
3. It is my pleasure and my penetrating desire to invest in the well-being of those I love.
4. What avenue for fruitful investment do I have if I see the loved ones not caring for themselves?  
   
5. Reciprocally, if I do not take care of myself, the investments of those who love me will be devalued.
   
6. As I invest in myself, I increase the value of the investment of those who love me.
7. Increasing the investment of those I love is my pleasure and my desire.

In other words, I want to invest in my own well-being, because it breaks the hearts of those I love to see me less than well.  I want them to be well, and the thing I have the most control over is my own wellness. 

In fact, the only thing I may ever be able to do for some of those I love is for me to be well myself.

Does this make sense?

All of this said, I'm now motivated to make a list of things I can do to "invest in myself."  And do them happily!

Thank you for all of your index card and spoken comments and suggestions yesterday! 

It was pointed out to me after class that based on our discussion - not to mention cultural use - the word "love" could mean just about anything.  Our class discussion yesterday was a good reflection of this.

For example: 

• Parental love - seems to have some enduring quality that overlooks even heinous behaviors like murder
• Spousal love - some difference of opinion here, but the sense is that there are conditions
  
• Love doesn't require liking
• Liking is not the same as loving
  
• Love/Hate relationship - How is it that love can turn to an obsessive hatred?  Is this a different species of "love"?
  
  

The point of the exercise was to allow us to anchor Barbara Fredrickson's idea of "Love 2.0", the upgraded version of love, in your own experience. 

The question is, no matter what your understanding of love, how does it correlate with Love 2.0?

BF's definition for Love 2.0 includes:

• Love is connection
• Love is marked by physiological moments of synchronicity
• Love is willingness to invest in the well-being of the other.

In other words:

• I love the one that I would grieve were something unfortunate to happen to them.
• I want to invest in the well-being of the one I love.

This is the subject of the class, this "Love 2.0" which does not require intimacy, and does not require history.   We each get to explore whether or not BF's research on "vagal tone," which she has found to be correlated with practices of "Love 2.0," resonates with us.

Next week, we will return to the questions that I've distributed over the past couple of weeks.

In particular, let's think this week about if we love ourselves.  For example, what would it mean for us to invest in our own well-being?  That is, what constitutes our own well-being? 

I invite you  to comment on this and other blogs! 

As I lay in bed this morning, I thought about getting up to do a meditation.  I tried a couple on, brushing my mind over them lightly.  "Ah!  This week is 'self-love meditation'!  Hmmmm....  self-love...  Do I have 'self-love'?"  

I tried saying, "May you be safe...."  

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," I thought.  "What are all these words worth?  They're just words.  Why should I believe them?  If I say 'May you be safe,' but do nothing, aren't I just a hypocrite?  What is 'loving' about saying the words?"

Then I had to respond.  I had to think about what I really thought it meant to "love myself."

Well, I haven't been getting enough exercise lately.  And I haven't been getting enough sleep lately.  So I congratulated myself on sleeping late and asked myself to consider what it was that I needed to do to get some exercise and get back in good graces with myself.  Then I went to work at the list.

I got to swim for 10 minutes this morning.  Since I've only swum about once before since last September, that was OK, though I would have loved to swim longer.

As I got out of the pool, I realized that if I would just learn to stop in mid pleasure when I was eating cheese cake or oatmeal chocolate chip cookies, I'd be in good shape.

I haven't gotten around to meditating yet today, but I think I really don't much care for the "self-love" one.  It's a good diagnostic, but not my cup of tea as a remedy.

I just tried the self-love guided meditation available Here.

At first, I found it very annoying.   I'm not good at this kind of thing.

Then I remembered that the book said that the "self-love" meditation can be the hardest of all meditations.  When beginning a meditation practice, starting with something well-loved, like a child, a beloved teacher or life-long friend provides an easier path.

But what's the point?  This sitting still, thinking the same ideas over and over again is very difficult.  And what's the point, anyways?

When I was in elementary school, my older brother challenged me to a bet one day.  He said, "Put your arms out to your sides." 

I did as he said.  "I bet you can't hold them there for five minutes!"

"I bet I can!" I replied.

Well, I won the bet, but it was not easy.

Intellectually, I think there are at least two points to meditation.  The first is practice.  The same way it is easy to hold out one's arms for a short period of time, it's a cinch to think about anything for a moment (or a micro-moment.)  What is harder, is to stick to something when it gets hard.  The practice is the practice of placing my attention where I choose to place it.  By giving myself an exercise that pushes me beyond the limits of what I do easily, I'm building strength.

The second intellectual point can be understood through the cognitive psychology research that has been done around the idea of priming.  When I use a period of meditation at the beginning of the day to think quietly about what I choose to become, I am priming my mind.  I'm setting the lens through which I will experience at least some of the day!

I am going to keep trying.  Barb is right.  Loving-kindness doesn't fit all situations.  But I like to push myself beyond what I can already do.   And I like being strong.

_This is our week to practice loving ourselves!  Don't miss the chance!

In case you'd like some help, there is a 15-minute guided audio meditation available by clicking Here. 

I had forgotten that I need to practice this.  Today is a good day for it:  I went to a 7 a.m. breakfast meeting 15 minutes late and five days early :-)

I prefer active meditations, so I will try the audio while I do my stretch exercises.

1.    If you find that your mind wanders when you are doing a meditation, not to worry.  Just recall your mind to the focus you have chosen.  It is the most natural thing in the world that this should happen.  The whole reason for focused meditation is to practice doing this!

2.   Setting an alarm for 15 minutes is very helpful for me.

3.   When I do “free-form” meditation, especially first thing in the morning, I often find myself day-dreaming or falling to sleep.  I need practice!

4.   Our fellow classmate, Regis Lyons, sent me a link to an NPR Radio TED Talk on the subject “Is There a Secret To Happiness?”  He brought it to my attention because of the overlap between Barbara Fredrickson’s descriptions of Love 2.0 and the techniques of happiness.  Here is a link.   

http://www.npr.org/2014/02/14/275990685/is-there-a-secret-to-happiness

5.   Please note, I was not able to access the entire program until I had created an NPR account, confirmed it through my email, and then logged in.  Once you are logged in, when you reach the link above, click on the words “Playlist” to the right of "Listen to the Story".  

All the segments of the talk will show up in the NPR media player window that opens on your computer.

6.   For me, the last couple of segments of the NPR TED Talk were the most powerful. I hope you have a chance to listen!